It’s time to separate the McDojo black belts, MMA posers, and “Kung Fu grandmasters” from the true martial arts bad asses who refer to their hobby as simply: “training”. DynastyClothingStore.com counts down from #50 all the way to the #1 attribute that makes you a true bad ass. Tally up and see how you do, but don’t cry if you can’t relate!
50. You taught your girlfriend the rear naked choke, and let her play choke you with it.
49. You’ve rescued damsels in distress (including the ugly ones), and stood up for friends / strangers who couldn’t fight.
48. You practice three kinds of jiu-jitsu. The regular kind, the kind with the females who train at your school, and the kind where staying in guard and never passing is OK and letting your partner get full mount is a winning position.
47. You’ve taught classes and ran clubs. You’re good with kids and they bow to you when they see you in public.
46. Your girl asked you to “show her a move”. It turned into something else.
45. You grow a beard when you are “deep” into your training.
44. You have been to at least one internet forum-organized training meet up event.
43. You vault over ledges effortlessly, suckers walk around and find a path around it.
42. Some dumb hoe put her hands on you one time. You never hit girls so you let that shit slide… after letting your girls get even with her.
41. You have a shelf full of your medals and trophies.
40. Dude don’t like you and talks shit behind your back, but he acts real nice in front of you because he knows you can hand him his ass.
39. You’ve traveled to and trained at least once in a foreign country.
38. People have turned down sparring with you… because they were “tired”, “hurt”, or “had to go”.
37. Jet Li is cool, Jackie Chan is okay, but you know the true bad ass motherfucker is Bruce Lee, the father of mixed martial arts.
36. While suckers would look for scissors, you open boxes with your fingers and rip the shit out of the packaging. When you come across a box you can’t rip apart, you knuckle punch a hole through it.
35. You pet your dog… then try guillotine-ing it. You hug your dog… then go for a rear naked choke.
34. You don’t use performance enhancing drugs or purposely foul opponents in competitions.
33. You think people who own / use guns are… pussies. Fists don’t kill people, guns kill people.
32. You were only supposed to spar “light”, until some random jack ass decides to go hard. Then you let him have it and break his rib.
31. You actually get injured much less than your friends who play Hockey, Basketball, Soccer, etc…
30. You have a huge martial arts film library or at least seen a shitload of them.
29. While watching movies, you say to yourself or tell your friends “that wouldn’t have happened if he trained”, or correct a technique done incorrectly by the filmmakers.
28. You’re not really scared of anything like ghosts or zombies… because you know if something ugly appeared from the dark at night you’d punch that shit right in the face.
27. You are / were actually a pro wrestling fan.
26. You can dance… and you occasionally incorporate forms or techniques into your dance moves just for shits and giggles. At a rave, you tie two glow sticks together with a string and show off your Michelangelo ‘chucking skills.
Tally up your marks… are you a true martial arts bad ass so far? Here comes the top 25!
25. She praises your hand dexterity… and hip strength.
24. You’ve hit / kicked a tree to see what it felt like.
23. You’ve practiced your Wing Chun on subway or amusement park turnstiles and do chi sao on protruding objects.
22. You have at least one pet that has a martial arts related name.
21. You may mess around with your flexibility by sitting in the cross-legged lotus yoga position automatically. Then you switch into a triangle.
20. You practice your squeeze by choking your knee out while sitting.
19. While swimming, you punch and kick the water.
18. When on an airplane or boat and you experience turbulence, you subtly lower your center of gravity and form a stance while other suckers panic and try to grab something.
17. If you happen to slip from ice or a puddle (because no physical object could ever possibly trip you) you break your fall automatically. Even if you’re launched spinning into the air, you manage to land safely on your back or side with chin tucked.
16. You do Qi Gong / know at least one person who legitimately knows Qi Gong.
15. You don’t use the word “Karate” to describe all martial arts and understand that all eastern arts originate from the Shaolin Temple in China–not Japan–and that those Okinawan grandmasters first learned kung fu from a southern Shaolin Monk.
14. You appreciate all styles… but you have a base style that you are truly proficient in.
13. If you’re Asian, your wife is probably Caucasian. If you’re white, your wife is probably Japanese.
12. Whenever you pass by what looks to be a solid concrete wall or metal pillar, you punch it to strengthen your knuckles.
11. You win all stare downs because you have a wicked focus / just plain don’t give a fuck. Your mental strength is OVER 9000.
10. You open doors by pushing it with the first two knuckles of your fist, you keep them open for yourself or others by placing the ball of your foot near the bottom of the door… and you do all this without thinking about it.
09. You’ve imagined taking on many opponents at once and fought the air as a little kid, and shadow box as an adult when you’re bored / drunk / in front of a mirror or reflective glass.
08. When you meet a fake or annoying (or sometimes both) person / wankster broski and they start mouthing off trying to impress you or your friends, you imagine breaking his arm or 360-degree back kicking him in the solar plexus, launching him through a glass window and witnessing this poor soul fall to his death. You smile and LOL in your own head and continue on without actually back kicking the shit out of him. If he makes ANY statements about how he beats people up for fun or kicked a lot of ass one time in a fight, you kindly ask where he trains. He proceeds to shut the fuck up.
07. In a public setting (restaurant, bar, classroom, etc.) you naturally scan the area and choose the most strategically sound place to sit or stand, in case some shit goes down. This includes never having your back exposed to an entrance or crowd, sitting down at a table with a great vantage point, and knowing your surroundings to take advantage of such as makeshift weapons, debris, or exits.
06. Your friends play fight with you and they end up hurting themselves just by slightly colliding with your bones.
05. In an actual fight you might choose to first “grant your opponent 3 moves”. You bob, weave, parry, or block the first few shots just to gauge the strength of your opponent, assess his timing for an easy counter attack, and make him look like one slow, sloppy, and sorry piece of shit at the same time.
04. You are actually dressed properly for a fight 90% of the time–naturally–in case some shit goes down. You don’t bog yourself down with unnecessary jewellery, your pants are loose enough for moving and kicking, and you may choose to wear a leather jacket to protect against blades or steel toe shoes for busting balls and kneecaps. The other 10%, call it exercise.
03. You never start or pick fights, you just end them.
02. Hidden in a bag or closet and never up for display, your black belt(s) is / are actually grey and ripped up. Normal people think it’s because you don’t take good care of your gear / uniform.
01. You NEVER, ever, tell ANYONE or bring up the fact that you train, even if you’re an 8th degree black belt / Olympic caliber wrestler capable of savage Pai Mei / Donkey Kong-level ass-kickery. You prefer to keep it a secret not only because you feel no need to brag about your skills, but also because if some shit were to go down you can transform into pure beast rage mode and absolutely destroy everyone without them ever seeing it coming… homie.
You will only humbly reveal your true identity if you speak with other people who train. BUT they should know just by your appearance and demeanor if they are serious martial arts bad asses themselves anyways.
*BONUS* Despite all your training, you would most likely just thumb the guy in the eye and kick him in the nuts as hard as you can if you found yourself or your loved ones in a life-threatening situation.
How did you score?
0-10 = White Belt
11-20 = Blue Belt
21-30 = Purple Belt
31-40 = Black Belt
41-50 = Red Belt
Live to fight another day, 江湖 Jiang Hu code, 武士道 Bushido and all that good shit homie!!!